{Independence} Day

Lately, Jack is exhausting every effort at displaying his independence. He is insistent on doing things himself. Even when I try to tell him the correct way to do things, he vehemently disagrees and carries out his own actions. A lot of times it ends in bitter disappointment---for him and me too---when I'm left picking up the pieces of his failed attempts.

I mean, after all, he's my baby, and I'm his mommy, and I'm responsible for him and his well being and ensuring he is happy and taken care of and on and on.....

I can't possible sit idly and watch his best laid plans be foiled.

I attempt to sit(or stew, fret, stress, lose patience), I try to reason, explain, encourage, whatever you call it, and I suddenly acknowledge my own guilty role in demonstrating my independence and unwillingness to let people help me. My wrong choices and misfortunes become abundantly clear, and I realize the pain I, and those around me feel from it too.

(Yes, Mom, I finally see what you've been telling me.....)

I've realized, though, that being on my own is an opportunity for growth and a time to re-discover myself and who I want to become. I feel like the circumstances of the last few years, and even more so the last few months, have stifled me and put me under a cloud or fog.

My new found independence is helping to lift the fog and help me visualize the clear, beautiful picture of what I have to offer, and what life has to offer me. Somehow, it all becomes so apparent.

Independence is empowering. Let Freedom Ring.

There is a reason.....

.........for my lack of blogging.

Actually, there are hundreds of them....

Here are a few....

(and yes, I am attempting to get some sympathy...)

Last week I....

Had 4 root canals

And 1 filling

And 8 crowns.

More dental work than the average person has in their lifetime. I did it in 1.5 days.

And did I mention I drove to and from Phoenix to get it all done? Maybe the most dangerous 7 hours home I've ever driven, being hopped up on pain killers and all.

Then, I got 32 cold sores,

And 145 cankers.

And ate soup for 10 days.

Literally.

I got home and had to work my hiney off to make up for the time I took off.

I worked a 17 hour shift, thanks a lot, stupid call,

Then got violently ill,

And completely lost my voice.

Still ill, I drove to Salt Lake,

Took my Physics boards for ultrasound..

AND PASSED!!!!

To celebrate, Jack and I went to the zoo,

And had a blast!!!

Then I spent some quality time with my family,

Which included making fab vintage necklaces,

Chatting it up with my awesome sisters and sil,

And punching an ear tag on a cow with my Dad.

What a great week!

To some....

To some, this may look like a random collection of scribbles. But to me, this picture signifies months and months of practice and, ta da, skillfully mastering the art of drawing a cirlce.

To some, this picture shows a scroungy little boy, with disheveled hair, whose mother didn't even bother to wipe his breakfast off his face before posing him for the shot. Some may see a child in their pajamas, even though it is probably 10 AM.

But to me, I see my sweet boy, whose hair grows so quickly, that I can't manage to keep it tamed. I see his breakfast on his face, which shows that he jumped down and ran away from me too quickly for me to finish cleaning him up. I see a scratched elbow which shouts that summer is in full swing; and that this boy, who runs and jumps and never slows down, is loving every minute of it.

I see his Lightning McQueen pajamas, and remember the fight that ensued when trying to get him dressed in real clothes. Its a reminder that these days, its not important to sweat the small stuff.

I see a kid, beaming with pride, who has come a long way in the last year, (from eating crayons) to now drawing perfect circles!

You can see it all too now, right?

This Boy.....

I'm not sure how I got so lucky to have this boy be mine.

He is funny and smart---yet tries my patience in ways I never imagined.

He is thoughtful and loving---but sometimes throws tantrums I can't begin to control.

He is stubborn beyond belief--but surprises me with his kindness almost daily.

I love this boy.

He has an obsession, to say the least, with Cars.

His collection grows weekly, but I'm trying to put a limit to it.

He knows each character and what lines they say from the movie.

Everyday he asks me if we can buy "Flo."

I'm trying to turn his wants and desires to add to his collection into a teaching opportunity.

He has a jar he is trying to fill up with cotton balls.

When he's good, and goes to bed alone at night, we put a ball in.

Let's just say the jar isn't very full yet.

It's adorable to watch him play and re-enact each scene from the movie.

"Wreck, shoot, I'm the world's best backwards driver...."

I don't even know how many times a day I attach Lightning to Mater's hook.

Last week he was sick. Sicker than he has ever been. We laid on the couch for 5 days and watched Cars 45 times. No joke. He knows the lines really well now!

I had to take care of my little patient and get him everything he wanted, which included, gatorade, milk, water, pretzels, popcorn from Target and yogurt. All at the same time.

Good thing he bulked up, because he was so sick and had such horrible sores in his mouth, he didn't eat for 5 days.

Jack has really been struggling at his daycare, and I've debated in my mind so many times whether I should change or not. I feel like his life is so inconsistent and he is juggled around so much, that going to the babysitter was the most stable and consistent thing for him.

Then she informed me that she thinks something is wrong with him and that he needs counseling, because is having a lot of "accidents" at her house.

I left in tears.

Counseling, for a two year old?

I immediately called the hospital daycare to see if they had any openings.

Luckily they did.

Monday was his first day there. I was worried and stressed all day about how he would do in a new place and if he would have any "accidents."

When I arrived to pick him, he didn't want to leave the playground and come home.

I hesitantly walked up to his teacher to get his daily report, and she proceeded to tell me how much they loved him and what a great day he had.

She asked me if I was aware that he knew all his letters, numbers and colors.

Uhm, yeah lady, I am his Mom.

Then she said she even went back to the secretary and asked if he was in the wrong class because he was acting so mature.

Nope, he is in the right class.

She said he was such a joy and a great addition to the class.

I left in tears, again.

This time for a much different reason, obviously.

It was so refreshing to have such a positive response from them,

and to have my thoughts about my sweet boy reaffirmed.

I think his new daycare will be such a good move for he and I,

and I can't wait to see more positive changes in our future!
I love this boy.

Life(s)

They say cats have 9 lives.

I know so far I have 2;

My old life and my new life.

New life is good.

It's good in strange ways.

It is very difficult yet equally rewarding.

I've experienced new spiritual highs, and new emotional lows.

I have realized that I had strength and abilities that I never knew existed in me.

I found friends and people to support and help me that I didn't know were there.

It seems like old life was so long ago, and its hard to remember it existed.

But it did.

I see the proof in past family photos.

And when I drive by our old house.

And I am left teary and sad.

I miss old life.

I miss my old friends.

I miss my old work schedule.

I miss having an adult to talk to, and share a bed with, and cook for,

And kill the lizard in my garage.

I guess its easy to yearn for old life when you think of all the good times.

I'm sure new life will be the same, however.

New life seems wonderful when times are good.

But like old life, it seems equally bleak when things are hard.

I guess I'm trying to find a balance between old and new.

Find the parts of me I loved then,

And meld them with the parts of me I'm trying to become now.

Blessed

I feel blessed this week for so many reasons.

Even though its Mother's Day, and the only people I have seen are my nursery class, coworkers and sick patients, I still feel blessed.

I feel blessed that even though I don't have him today, I am a mother to an amazing little boy. Heavenly Father has trusted me with one of his precious children, and its an awesome responsibility. I feel inadequate to do the job on so many levels every single day, but I still find so much joy and happiness in attempting to do it.

I feel blessed this week because for the first time in over 4 months, I haven't been consumed with wondering how my life got to this point. I've had such positive impressions that I need to focus on where do I go from here? How can I make my life be good and whole again? What does Heavenly Father want me to learn from this? And what do I need to do to become who he wants me to be?

I feel blessed because this week I felt an unbelievable outpouring of love and peace from my Heavenly Father. I feel forgiveness and peace about things that have happened. I feel like I've gained a new perspective on my life.

I feel exceptionally blessed to have been raised by the most amazing mother. She is wise and considerate. She has an amazing testimony and love of our Savior. She sets such a great example of the kind of person I want to be. She is always there to give me support and insight, but careful to never try to make up my mind for me. She is there to help me be humble and teach me lessons that will help me become who I want to be.

I feel blessed to have had such a great week, to help remind me of just how blessed I really am.

Other, other blog.....

I guess I've been feeling a little envious of everyone that has 14 blogs so I am adding yet another blog to my list that I sometimes update. Actually, the truth is, my sisters and mom and I have had this blog for years now to share recipes. It always seems to happen like this for me: I need to make something and I call my mom or sisters for the recipe and they tell it to me while I'm in line at the grocery store, so then I search my purse and find an old receipt and write the recipe on it. Then I get home and never write it on a real recipe card, so my recipe box is full of old receipts and scrap paper with delicious meals enscribed on the back. So, we started the recipe blog between our family so I could just call and say, "put it on the blog." Or, when we have a family party and all the food tastes so delicious, and instead of exchanging all the recipes and getting carpal tunnel writing the ingredients and instructions, we just put it on the blog. For instance, I'm sure Olivia is home busily typing away as we speak----sharing the yummy food from Luke's baptism yesterday. Delicious food, like Kahlua pork, ham fried rice, frog eye salad, upside down pineapple cake and banana cream pie cake....hungry? Me too! Its been fun and extremely helpful/convenient. If you've met my family, you know how much we love food and love to plan our get-togethers based on what we are going to eat! My mom and sisters are amazing cooks, and I hope with a lot of practice, I can become half as good as they are. So, if you're in need of cooking something new, try some of our delicious recipes! (Let me know what you think if you try them!)