Friday, July 23, 2010

Having a Moment

If you've talked to me at all this week, you might know that I've been "having a moment." It is perhaps my most over-used phrase lately.

Yesterday as I was sitting in the temple with my friend, I said, "I thought as time went on this would get easier, but somedays it just feels harder."

I don't get it. I know I'm going down the right path; but sometimes I am just left staring blankly, panic-stricken, chest pain and anxiety-filled.

I think because this is never how you think life is going to work out, accepting the reality of it all is extremely difficult?

I went to the temple, hoping to feel peace about my decisions. I did, of course. I know its right, and I've felt more spiritual confirmation about this decision that I have any other decision I've ever made. However, listening to the words that are spoken sometimes makes me wonder about so many things, and I can't contain my emotions and help but contemplate about my future.

I always think I'm going to make it through a session without becoming a mess of tears. Yesterday wasn't the day.

My moment continued after I left. Whenever Jack goes to his Dad's and I'm home alone, I feel so lost and out of sorts. It's like being his Mom is my identity, my reason for existing, and when he's gone, I am lost. I always finding myself wandering aimlessly from store to store--trying to find something to occupy my time. It never works and I just start counting down the days till he is back and I am restored.

I guess I'll just keep plugging away, counting down the days....but for now, I'm having a moment.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Non-Metaphorical Independence Day

We could not have asked for a more perfect holiday weekend.....great company, great weather, great traditions, great food, great memories!

Friday, July 9, 2010

{Independence} Day

Lately, Jack is exhausting every effort at displaying his independence. He is insistent on doing things himself. Even when I try to tell him the correct way to do things, he vehemently disagrees and carries out his own actions. A lot of times it ends in bitter disappointment---for him and me too---when I'm left picking up the pieces of his failed attempts.
I mean, after all, he's my baby, and I'm his mommy, and I'm responsible for him and his well being and ensuring he is happy and taken care of and on and on.....

I can't possible sit idly and watch his best laid plans be foiled.

I attempt to sit(or stew, fret, stress, lose patience), I try to reason, explain, encourage, whatever you call it, and I suddenly acknowledge my own guilty role in demonstrating my independence and unwillingness to let people help me. My wrong choices and misfortunes become abundantly clear, and I realize the pain I, and those around me feel from it too.

(Yes, Mom, I finally see what you've been telling me.....)

I've realized, though, that being on my own is an opportunity for growth and a time to re-discover myself and who I want to become. I feel like the circumstances of the last few years, and even more so the last few months, have stifled me and put me under a cloud or fog.

My new found independence is helping to lift the fog and help me visualize the clear, beautiful picture of what I have to offer, and what life has to offer me. Somehow, it all becomes so apparent.

Independence is empowering. Let Freedom Ring.