Friday, July 23, 2010

Having a Moment

If you've talked to me at all this week, you might know that I've been "having a moment." It is perhaps my most over-used phrase lately.

Yesterday as I was sitting in the temple with my friend, I said, "I thought as time went on this would get easier, but somedays it just feels harder."

I don't get it. I know I'm going down the right path; but sometimes I am just left staring blankly, panic-stricken, chest pain and anxiety-filled.

I think because this is never how you think life is going to work out, accepting the reality of it all is extremely difficult?

I went to the temple, hoping to feel peace about my decisions. I did, of course. I know its right, and I've felt more spiritual confirmation about this decision that I have any other decision I've ever made. However, listening to the words that are spoken sometimes makes me wonder about so many things, and I can't contain my emotions and help but contemplate about my future.

I always think I'm going to make it through a session without becoming a mess of tears. Yesterday wasn't the day.

My moment continued after I left. Whenever Jack goes to his Dad's and I'm home alone, I feel so lost and out of sorts. It's like being his Mom is my identity, my reason for existing, and when he's gone, I am lost. I always finding myself wandering aimlessly from store to store--trying to find something to occupy my time. It never works and I just start counting down the days till he is back and I am restored.

I guess I'll just keep plugging away, counting down the days....but for now, I'm having a moment.

16 comments:

Billie Sue said...

How many times in the last eight months have I just wanted to take you in my arms and hold you and pet your hair while you cried your eyes out? So, here I am in Woodland, while you are far, far, away in St. George -- I am incapable of reaching you to try to help calm your troubled heart! I am so sorry -- I can only tell you to try to be patient rather than discouraged. Time will heal all wounds and you will be able to look back and say,"Whose life was that?" There is a wonderful life awaiting for you, with someone who will care for you and love you and spend time with you (even in the temple). Jack is a doll and fun, fun, fun to spend time with. He told me yesterday, as he was asking me a million, "why" questions and I turned it on him and begin to ask him questions, "My Mom asks me questions too!" Can't outsmart him--he's pretty darned intuitive! Here's wishing you were here, so I could at least pat you and try to convince you everything will be better -- SOMEDAY! Love you -- chin up!!!

The Richards family said...

Hey Chels... I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have had a lot of those lately and I know it is very different from your situation and I hate when people say I know how you feel... but I do have to say I have been struggling latly and I have had feelings of almost how do I go on, and it is not a good feeling. THEN I have those moments whan I KNOW I am not alone, Our heavenly Father will not leave us alone and he has given me my girls to get me through and in those times and somehow it makes it so you can go on. I am so glad you are able to go to the temple! I know you and you are one of the strongest people I know, Jack is so cute and you are doing a great job being his mommy. What else can you ask for? You have a lot of people who care and love you and I am on that list!! Love ya

Unknown said...

I say, Have a moment, get it out! You're turning to our Heavenly Father and he is the one with the greatest perception on things. He will listen to whatever you have to say! So, keep having a moment until this moments over.

Billie Jo said...

We are all given moments that make us weak and then strong. You are the strongest person I know and you deserve so much- your moment is coming, I promise. We will all be there with you in the temple one day and it will be a moment that you deserve. I love you so much and I am going to help you through this, somehow! Take a moment or two to figure things out!

Tana said...

This "shall be but a moment" DC 121. I know all too well about these moments. But I know and have to have faith that these will be just moments and our joy will soon take over. That's one of the only things I find comfort in. I love you and appreciate our friendship so much. I wish I could take some of the pain for you. Thank goodness for our Savior and the atonement and the pain he experienced for us.

The Gunnerson Family said...

Life seems to be full of "moments" and unforutnately you have more than anyone deserves right now. Just know that every moment you have is one that makes you stronger (even if you don't think so now). You are doing EXACTLY what you should, and the blessing you deserve will come

Katie & Andy said...

Chels,
You are amazing. I can't imagine your feelings, but I know you can do it. It's always amazing to me how cathartic crying is. Can we please be friends? Next time you are here we should get together.

Giselle Rasheta said...

Take as many moments as you need, my sweet, strong sister. Keep doing what you're doing, and I know you will be rewarded with everything you deserve... I love you!

McNeil Family said...

You're so strong that I don't even see these moments coming. It completely shocks me. Perhaps because I've never seen you having a moment and I think they don't happen. But, I'm so proud of you and I know that you are doing the right things and going the right way, and we are right here behind you. You'll be so amazing when these moments are over. A choice child of Heavenly Father and I know this test is giving you lessons that are refining you. Love you always.

Libby said...

So your happiness about having some free time didn't last eh? I'm sorry! Did you finally get to go to the temple with Tana? James and I were suppose to go on Thursday night but James' family all came into town a day early....out of the blue! And we were suppose to go to the lake with our neighbors on Friday. But all our plans got canceled. I was bummed.

I am SO sorry that this whole process is such a continual trial for you. I wish that just knowing it was right would be enough to get your through. But I can only imagine that it is so not enough! You are amazing though Chels...and oh so strong! Stronger than you can realize!

[Stacia] said...

Wow! I really don't know you well, just a bit from high school and I don't know your situation but I came across your blog and haven't been able to tear myself away. I am so incredibly amazed by your strength and conviction. And I have no doubt that your blog only touches on the surface of it. What a cute little boy Jack is. Good luck in your future and I'll be praying for you.

Brittany said...

You're entitled to "having a moment." You are such a strong woman and I'm amazed at how well you're doing even though you may not feel like you are. I love reading your mom's comments...they make me cry. I can only imagine what she's feeling. My mom always tells me that she feels everything I feel and I think she's right. Mom's are the best! Hang in there! And call me if you ever want to vent or cry to someone. I'll listen.

sara and wade said...

have your moment dear. i miss you and wish that we would get to work together again. hang in there sis.

Tasia said...

I hope you know how much of an impact you have on everyone else around you. You are a very strong person and a wonderful example of all things great! Love you!

Melinda said...

I cried today. Because of this post. I love you. I'm praying for you.

The Cox Family said...

I am so sad that we didn't run into you guys on the 4th. I am glad that you were able to spend time with your family and enjoy your little man though. I too wish there was something we could do for you to make you feel better, but just know that we are always thinking about you. Hang in there girl, and now that my parents have a house in St. George we will be visiting you often! Love Ya!!!
On a side note- I seriously think you should write a novel or something because you are such an incredible writer and we all love reading your posts!