Our New Adventure

I have debated whether writing my real feelings and thoughts on my blog is a good or bad idea. Obviously, its out there for so many to read, and obviously not everyone will see my opinion or my point of view. Secondly, I know my Mom will worry too much and jump in the car to come rescue me. Not that I partly don't wish that would happen, but I am an adult and have to deal with life and the challenges of it right now. Additionally, talking about it will just raise more questions for those that are out of the loop, and I'm not sure that I want to deal with that right now either. I guess after weighing it all out, I realized that this blog isn't for other people and their opinions or questions; its for me. Its for me to journal and remember what life is like.

This week has been hard. Particularly hard. And I don't know why. I think it all started last Saturday when I realized how much everything will change. Not that things have been that normal lately, but they're about to be drastically different. I know in the end, maybe far far down the road it will be better, but it will be a big adjustment. So far in this process, I have cried and been quite emotional, but honestly I think I've been holding it together particularly well.

This week, I fell apart.

This week I've cried everyday more than I've cried altogether in the last 6 weeks. I cried because it was Valentine's Day. Its supposed to be about love and romance and all that it entails. For me it was wondering if I'll ever have that again.

I cried when I thought about virtually everyone I know being pregnant or trying to be pregnant, and wondered if I'll get to experience those joys and emotions a second time around.

I cried in Jack's bed while talking to him about how much I love him and how sad I am that I won't get to see his adorable face everyday. I cried more when he wiped my tears and gave me kiss after kiss.

I cried about the relationships I had that will never be the same. I've lost too many people in all of this mess. I cried because I'm sad and mad that I miss them.

I cried(this is lame, I'm well aware) because I don't think people look as private blogs as frequently as they look at unprivate blogs. Then I laughed at my own stupidity for crying about a blog.

I cried because of people that have let me down, and weren't there when I needed them most. But then I cried more when I thought of all the people that have gone above and beyond to support me and give me strength.

I cried when I got home from work last night and the house was empty. Being all alone is not a feeling I enjoy. I cried wondering if I would sleep alone the rest of my life.

I cried because I still cannot find my wedding ring...anywhere...searched high and low...

I cried because for one split moment I wondered why Heavenly Father would want one of his children to be unhappy and heartbroken. Then I cried tears of humility when I felt His love surrounding and comforting me.

I'm sure I'll continue to cry. Probably for weeks and months to come. Hopefully there is a happier ending in sight. For now, I will just try to make the best of the moments of joy that I do have and find the strength to take on the hardships.