I have debated whether writing my real feelings and thoughts on my blog is a good or bad idea. Obviously, its out there for so many to read, and obviously not everyone will see my opinion or my point of view. Secondly, I know my Mom will worry too much and jump in the car to come rescue me. Not that I partly don't wish that would happen, but I am an adult and have to deal with life and the challenges of it right now. Additionally, talking about it will just raise more questions for those that are out of the loop, and I'm not sure that I want to deal with that right now either. I guess after weighing it all out, I realized that this blog isn't for other people and their opinions or questions; its for me. Its for me to journal and remember what life is like.

This week has been hard. Particularly hard. And I don't know why. I think it all started last Saturday when I realized how much everything will change. Not that things have been that normal lately, but they're about to be drastically different. I know in the end, maybe far far down the road it will be better, but it will be a big adjustment. So far in this process, I have cried and been quite emotional, but honestly I think I've been holding it together particularly well.

This week, I fell apart.

This week I've cried everyday more than I've cried altogether in the last 6 weeks. I cried because it was Valentine's Day. Its supposed to be about love and romance and all that it entails. For me it was wondering if I'll ever have that again.

I cried when I thought about virtually everyone I know being pregnant or trying to be pregnant, and wondered if I'll get to experience those joys and emotions a second time around.

I cried in Jack's bed while talking to him about how much I love him and how sad I am that I won't get to see his adorable face everyday. I cried more when he wiped my tears and gave me kiss after kiss.

I cried about the relationships I had that will never be the same. I've lost too many people in all of this mess. I cried because I'm sad and mad that I miss them.

I cried(this is lame, I'm well aware) because I don't think people look as private blogs as frequently as they look at unprivate blogs. Then I laughed at my own stupidity for crying about a blog.

I cried because of people that have let me down, and weren't there when I needed them most. But then I cried more when I thought of all the people that have gone above and beyond to support me and give me strength.

I cried when I got home from work last night and the house was empty. Being all alone is not a feeling I enjoy. I cried wondering if I would sleep alone the rest of my life.

I cried because I still cannot find my wedding ring...anywhere...searched high and low...

I cried because for one split moment I wondered why Heavenly Father would want one of his children to be unhappy and heartbroken. Then I cried tears of humility when I felt His love surrounding and comforting me.

I'm sure I'll continue to cry. Probably for weeks and months to come. Hopefully there is a happier ending in sight. For now, I will just try to make the best of the moments of joy that I do have and find the strength to take on the hardships.

A Day In The Life....

Aah, to have the life of a two-year old.

6:30 AM-wake up!

By 8:00 AM Jack is making Valentine's for his cousins. He is turning into quite the artist. He loves coloring, drawing and painting.

Jack has great "cheese" face for the camera. His natural smile, however, is something we're trying to work on.....arrgh, Matey, seems more appropriate...

11:00 AM: We've finally finished battling over brushing teeth, doing hair, watching Umizoomi vs Dora, and getting dressed and we can head out the door to run errands. Grab some chicken nuggets and fries from Wendy's which leads to the conversation of why this is Wendy's the Restaurant and not Aunt Wendy's house. Big difference. Mail our Valentines, have a humiliating trip to Target which consisists of Jack screaming the entire time because he wants to walk not ride in the cart, me accidentally hitting a persons car with my cart while trying to wrangle my unruly toddler, AND realizing that the person WAS IN HER CAR and witnessed the whole thing. Then, head next door to Michaels. Upon entering, Jack starts screaming because "THIS IS NOT TARGET!!!!" More screams erupt when I pry his kung-fu gripped fingers off of a mylar ballon string, meanwhile the cashier is looking at me with the "this is why I will never have children face." Why do I even bother?

By 2:00 PM, after nap time had failed, we headed out to enjoy the beautiful spring-like weather. His attention wandered from dump trucks to basketball, to the scooter.....

...then following a spider....and smashing it in his fingers....

...and driving the jeep.

By 3:00 PM we were off exploring around our neighborhood. I took the stroller because I knew he would get exhausted eventually. When I asked him if he was tired, he replied, "No Mom, I already taked a nap!"

*please refer to above text for comedic effect on the nap conversation*

Later that day: make some delicious treats for Valentine's Day. While I'm frosting, I turn around to see what Jack is up to and notice small bites out of at least 5 cupcakes. Guess we'll keep those home... Then he builds a cupcake tower, and 4 fall to the floor. The number of cupcakes we're actually giving away keeps dwindling.

7:00 PM and no nap...things are starting to unravel. When all else fails, start coloring again!

Bedtime: Phew! What a day!

Despite the battles and tantrums, and no matter what the activities are, I feel so lucky EVERYDAY to be this boy's Mommy.

Adventure

Like most people, our life is an adventure. Although I'm not sure I'm entirely prepared for the next adventure(s) my life will be taking, I'm ready to embrace it and do all I can to make it great. It seems like as a kid, life is full of fun and exciting adventures. I have so many memories of ice skating on the frozen creek in our back yard and the beaver ponds in the back pastures. So, when my mom said she wanted us to all go to Midway ice skating for her birthday, I was thrilled. I may have been a little rusty in the beginning, since I haven't skated in ages, but by the time we were finished, I mastered skating backward, attempted a few jumps, almost landed some successfully, and enjoyed so many fun times with Jack and my family. It was definitely a fun adventure for all of us.

Initially I put Jack in skates and took turns with everyone in attempting to help him skate around the rink. It wasn't going well so we took his skates off and let him play in his shoes. He loved it and ran all over the ice while performing his patented "knee slide."

As tough as the journey ahead of us may be, its adventures like this that will make it all worth it.