Hi again, its Chelsea Johnson. You may remember me from our previous phone conversations? Yes, the crazed woman. And yes, those were actual sobs you were hearing. I just wanted to apologize for the tiny temper tantrum I threw. I know you weren't suspecting that at all, afterall, my voice was very sweet and serene in the 3 messages I left you the prior day. Who knew I could flip a switch like that?
The point of my letter is to apologize for my behavior and to thank you immensely for being so overly accomodating to me. I was as surprised as you were to learn the cause of the missing certificate. I am in no way trying to justify my behavior, but the last 8 months of my life have been less than ideal, and the information you provided me with on Tuesday may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.
However, I am happy to report that the moment your package arrives in my mail box, all sanity(fingers crossed!) will be restored, and I'll wrap my rage back up in a tiny little box and lovingly place it back on the shelf. That is, until the next poor, unsuspecting sucker crosses my path. Come to think of it, is that why they keep armed guards at the courthouse?
Deepest condolences- Chelsea Johnson
P.S. There is a small support group of other innocent victims affected by my rage. You can read one of their stories here, in case you're interested. And talk to my co-workers...they may know a story or seven.
Totally cool 2nd grader. Sports enthusiast. Book lover. Math whiz.
"Mom, can I play on your phone?"
"Well, Mom, when I am a Dad, I'm going to be a nice Dad. And my kids can wear my clothes and play with my toys."
Upon arriving home from daycare...
"Mom, where's Fred? I just really wanna cuddle with him." (yep, he's referring to Fred the pillow pet) Seriously. Where did this kid come from?
Jack: "Mom, can I watch a show?" Me: "Sure, bud." Jack:"Oh, Mom, that makes me SOOOOO happy."
We were practicing the prophet and apostles picture book my friend gave us. Jack nailed President Monson, and Henry Eyring. Then said, "Deiter........(long pause)......Smoofdoorf!"
The other night a friend was saying the prayer and in the middle Jack leans over to me and says, "He doesn't even know how to say it, Mom." Then Jack had to say his own version of family prayers....the way WE say it.....
I told Jack that if he wouldn't learn to ride his new bike Santa would take it back to the North Pole. He proclaimed,
"No, Mom, I can just give it to Briggs(the next door neighbor), he needs to learn to ride one anyway!"
"Mom, if I make a bad choice, Heavenly Father and Santa Claus will not be happy."
"My Dad's not a grown-up, he's just old."
"Mom, I'm really sorry I was naughty, but, but.....I'm just a kid!"
"Mom, I really gotta shoot a elk."
Jack:(during nap time...)"Mom, my unders are wet."
Me: "Did you pee your pants?"
Jack:"No, I'm just laying in a puddle and they got wet."
Jack: "I wish I could lick a dog."
Me: "Please don't, that would be disgusting."
Jack: "But Mom, dogs lick kids all the time."
later....after more dog licking discussion..... Jack: "Okay, but if Moms lick kids, they're going to time-out."
"Mom, I just really wanna pee on a bug."
"Mom, chewing is for food, not friends." (after getting bitten at school by a fellow classmate)
"Mom, Daddy cares for me to chew gum, but you don't care for me to chew gum, huh?" 6/10
Jack: "Mom, Brittany(the Chippette) said butt."
Me: "We don't say that word, its not nice."
Jack: "But we can say booty or hiney?"
Me: "Yep. Exactly."
Jack(after hearing his older cousins): "I'll punch you in the face."
Me: "Oh Jack, we never say punch, that is not nice to say."
Jack: "But Mom, I can say punch in my cup, like from Wal-Mart."
"When I get in the Mater firetruck, I'm gonna drive away to Wal-Mart or Target and I'll see ya for tomorrow."
"It is impossible to avoid pain; you must walk through it or it will wait for you around every corner. And it is impossible to numb pain; you must experience it fully to come cleanly out the other side."
"A woman with a mother heart has a testimony of the restored gospel, and she teaches the principles of the gospel without equivocation. She is keeping sacred covenants made in holy temples. Her talents and skills are shared unselfishly. She gains as much education as her circumstances will allow, improving her mind and spirit with the desire to teach what she learns to the generations who follow her."