If you've talked to me at all this week, you might know that I've been "having a moment." It is perhaps my most over-used phrase lately.
Yesterday as I was sitting in the temple with my friend, I said, "I thought as time went on this would get easier, but somedays it just feels harder."
I don't get it. I know I'm going down the right path; but sometimes I am just left staring blankly, panic-stricken, chest pain and anxiety-filled.
I think because this is never how you think life is going to work out, accepting the reality of it all is extremely difficult?
I went to the temple, hoping to feel peace about my decisions. I did, of course. I know its right, and I've felt more spiritual confirmation about this decision that I have any other decision I've ever made. However, listening to the words that are spoken sometimes makes me wonder about so many things, and I can't contain my emotions and help but contemplate about my future.
I always think I'm going to make it through a session without becoming a mess of tears. Yesterday wasn't the day.
My moment continued after I left. Whenever Jack goes to his Dad's and I'm home alone, I feel so lost and out of sorts. It's like being his Mom is my identity, my reason for existing, and when he's gone, I am lost. I always finding myself wandering aimlessly from store to store--trying to find something to occupy my time. It never works and I just start counting down the days till he is back and I am restored.
I guess I'll just keep plugging away, counting down the days....but for now, I'm having a moment.
11 months ago